Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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