and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
