I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
