If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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