you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
