Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
This is the high leading the old right now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize