she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
