I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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