I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
