proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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