I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
