respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
