she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
