if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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