Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
