some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need a beard to bite.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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