My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
