my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
