God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
