It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
