im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
