Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
