Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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