you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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