Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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