my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
