this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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