From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
