Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Who died my cat blue again?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
