Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
