I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
