this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
They took my balls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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