the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
