I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
