I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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