For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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