my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
