I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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