I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
