I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
