dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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