Got a toothbrush?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
