you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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