If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
