the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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