Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
