You're my little dorito
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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