I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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