Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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