you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
