is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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